i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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