I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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