just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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