So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
