I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want to have your abortion
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
