My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
