i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
