Your face is a jimmy john
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
