i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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