the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
