I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize