Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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