when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
