The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
