I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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