genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
