life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i came on her dog
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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