Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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