Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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