He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize