I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
