Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Randomize
