Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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