I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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