How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
