i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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