Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
