I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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