just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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