I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
