I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
