Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
