The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
