There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
