I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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