glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
