Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
