it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
