Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
