paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
