Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
