Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
