I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
