3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
