so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
