if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
