if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you traded sex for a burrito?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
