Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
