I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
