Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
