You can't motorboat a personality
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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