Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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