I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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