Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
