dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
