Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We have started to decorate penises.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
