my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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