this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
