I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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