The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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