I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
