mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
