I will die if light touches me.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
