I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
