My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
