This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
