we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
