he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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