a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
