Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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