Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
