Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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