he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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