So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
