Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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